*The confusing sports power rankings are a top ten list of current sports stories I can’t quite wrap my head around. Maybe you can help.
As Atlanta gets hammered by Snowpocalypse 2: The Revenge of Snowpocalypse, the sports world never ceases to amaze me. This week, LeBron lets his ego do the talking, the Phillies hold tryouts at a nursing home, and Michael Sam plays football.
10. While searching for the fountain of youth
9. Less Jeter, Mo’ Money … For Boston?
Derek Jeter announced that he’s done after the 2014 season. Barring injury, the all-time Yankees great will play his final game in Boston. Tickets for that final series with the Red Sox skyrocketed, as Jeter’s departure will make it more expensive for Boston fans to see their own team. Yet another reason for Boston to hate the Yankees.
8. Where’s mee gold?!
Everyone’s favorite redhead delivered a major letdown in the snowboarding halfpipe finals in Sochi. You can argue that the warm weather caused Shaun White’s uncharacteristic 4th place finish, but then Shani Davis went and finished 8th in an indoor speed skating event that he had won at the previous two Olympics. America is cursed. When does the hockey team hit the ice?
7. Kids, you can share
Tina Maze of Slovenia and Dominique Gisin of Switzerland tied for the gold medal in the women’s Alpine downhill event. Their shared time of 41.57 seconds made them the first joint gold medalists in the event’s history. Judges said they measured the times to the 10,000th place (4 spots after the decimal point), but the official rules cut times off at the hundredths place. If the United States had been involved, someone would have complained. Congrats ladies.
6. There’s mee gold!!!
Kaitlyn Farrington sizzled her way to women’s halfpipe gold, beating out three former Olympic champions in the process. She’s further proof that hotness rules these Sochi Olympics.
5. Sorry For Jabari
The Philadelphia 76ers became the second team in NBA history to lose back to back games by 40+ points after getting pasted, mauled, embarrassed, etc. by the Clippers and Warriors. Evan Turner summed up Philly’s futility best when he said: ”You just look up at the scoreboard and see a lot of points … We were down by like 10, and then the next thing you know it popped up to like 25 or 30.” As if 25 or 30 point deficits just happen out of thin air …
4. This is real life, not Walmart
Seattle Seahawks defensive end Michael Bennet said that he would not give the team a discount to bring back his services. This just in, people work for money, and when you do your job well, you get a raise. Never fear Seattle, Golden Tate is more than happy to give you 80% of the effort you deserve in return for 80% of the pay he deserves.
3. I play football and I like to have sex, because I’m a dude
If you haven’t heard, Michael Sam is gay. What you might not have heard is that the former Missouri Tigers standout doesn’t spend all his time trolling for delicious D. The man is a football player. Tom Brady doesn’t take time out of his day to remind you he’s straight. Everyone knows we’re all playing for that ring on our finger, regardless of our position.
2. Survival of the Orange-est
Well, I waited and waited and waited for the Pitt-Syracuse game to end so that I could report that the #1 team in the country had lost, and … that buzzer-beater three by Tyler Ennis was more than worth the wait. The ‘Cuse rolls on.
1. Bow down to your LeBron
LeBron James made a claim that he will be remembered as one of the four best basketball players of all-time. I have no problem with this claim. I agree with it and would be willing to argue for LeBron at the number two spot, so long as he wins both one more MVP and championship (yes, just one more of each will do). That said, I do have a problem with LeBron tooting his own horn. I’m all for a man being confident, but D-Wade looks awful, Ray Allen can’t shoot, and there’s this guy in Oklahoma City having a better season. LeBron needs to shut up and play. He’ll have plenty of time to brag and top Michael Jordan’s ownership skills when he retires, both of which appear poised to be cakewalks.
This is the word of the week you get when you decide it’s a good idea to revisit the emo-scum music you loved in high school, back when you had nothing better to do than to be emo scum.
1. a lack of spirit, enthusiasm, or interest
2. a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction
Examples of ennui:
1. Cleveland sports fans were overcome by a wave of ennui when LeBron James bolted for the beaches of Miami. In Cleveland, sports tragedies are to be expected.
2. I shouldn’t hate on Cleveland. Teasing is nasty and unbecoming and dissing Cleveland has been done so many times that my humor is rife with ennui.
3. Q: Who is the saddest French soccer player?
A: Thierry Ennui
As a Chanakuh gift, my parents got me a Kindle. For a birthday present, they told me to choose five books and they would buy them for me. My choices, in order of what I wanted most:
With the #1 overall pick in the 22nd birthday draft, Alex selects…
The Flame Throwers by Rachel Kushner
Why?: Everything I read about this book screams controversy, controversy, controversy! Everything else says it’s the best damn book of 2013. To quote an article on Slate, “It’s a story that many readers love fiercely: When Dan Kois admitted in September’s Audio Book Club that he didn’t quite get the novel, Hanna Rosin was unimpressed: “Well, I know the book is great, Dan, and so therefore I know the fault is with you.””
With the #2 pick, Alex selects…
Tenth of December by George Saunders
Why?: When people read my work, they always tell me to read David Sedaris, David Foster Wallace, or George Saunders, because those rockstars are, well, the rockstars of the style I seem to write in. This newest work by Saunders is well reviewed and apparently some dark reading, and I’m always down to learn about the darker, twisted sides of life.
With the #3 pick, Alex selects…
Why?: Rolf was one of my writing professors in Paris, and while I was there, I was way more into fiction than nonfiction. Now, I can’t say I love one any more than the other, and seeing as I’d love to travel once I graduate, it’s about time I give Mr. Potts a good read. If I’m going to travel, I’m going to write about it, so why not learn from a guy who has been there, done that, and is willing to email me back if I have questions about the craft? Plus, check the reviews and talk to your friends who have read this powerhouse of travel writing. The man knows how to write.
With the #4 pick, Alex selects…
The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P. by Adelle Waldman
Why?: I have literally seen this book on every book list of 2013 (for books you should read, of course). I’m all in for some contemporary fiction about a young man and his dating troubles, especially when the word on the street is that this work is as humorous as it is smart. Plus, this keeps the balance of male authors to female authors in this list even, at least until my final selection.
With the final pick in the 2013 birthday draft, Alex selects…
Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
Why?: I don’t know how I’ve lived 22 years without reading this book. I won’t make it 23.
I read somewhere that Netflix was supposed to add the second half of season five of Breaking Bad by the end of November. That didn’t happen. Here’s a list of the things I would do to get my final eight episodes of Walter White and the Blue Meth I Crave:
1) Dangle a quarter in front of a homeless man on a fishing rod, and tug it away when he reaches for it.
2) Listen to Miley Cyrus.
3) Read every book in the Twilight series and watch all the movies (Will this cause me to develop a menstrual cycle?).
4) Write a blog post about how much I love the Dallas Cowboys.
5) I won’t eat for a month, except for croissants, because they’re delicious, and I don’t think I’m willing to die for meth. I’d be willing to die because of meth…
6) Make out with a guy, in Texas, wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and a cup, because nobody wants to see my junk.
7) Acknowledge that Miley Cyrus is a talented young lady.
8) Drink one gallon of my own urine.
9) I won’t drink alcohol for an entire month, except for bourbon, because if I have to stay dry for a month and still not have Breaking Bad, I better be very drunk.
10) Wait patiently, like I have cancer, cook meth, and I’m waiting for my series finale to die (It’s just a prediction.).
Netflix, please, go ahead and choose what I have to do to earn the rest of Breaking Bad. Hell, I’ll do everything on the list if you want me to. Please, just stop this nonsense, and do what’s right. Give me my meth, and let me procrastinate from my finals in the right way.
I cut my hair and people noticed. I broke my glasses and people noticed. I started writing with a Darth Vader pen and people noticed. However, no one has noticed my Jonathan Rhys Myers facial hair.
Okay, so I don’t have the tiny patch of hair under my bottom lip, but, otherwise, for the past week, and for the first time in my life, I’ve been wearing my face just like the man who so beautifully portrayed Henry Tudor. Yet, not one person I know has said a thing about my facial hair. Have people not noticed? Are they too scared to say something? Do they not care?
I just want to know if the facial hair is working or not. All I need is a simple, “Damn Alex, you look hot,” or the more likely, “Alex, um, just no.” Don’t be afraid to say the latter. I’m used to it.
This is not a call for attention, rather for personal opinion, which in and of itself is a call for attention, but don’t worry about that. Worry about me, wearing this facial hair for the rest of my life, thinking I look good with it, when, in reality, it’s repelling every worthwhile person who comes my way.
So, please, the next time you see me, judge my facial hair, and save my life.