1) Quitters only win at smoking.
2) I’d be a lot more useful if 3 - 5 billion less people existed.
3) The shit I could get done (or do) with (or to) Channing Tatum’s body.
4) In life there will be hurdles. Avoid cliches.
5) Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.
*The confusing sports power rankings are a top ten list of current sports stories I can’t quite wrap my head around. Maybe you can help.
As Atlanta gets hammered by Snowpocalypse 2: The Revenge of Snowpocalypse, the sports world never ceases to amaze me. This week, LeBron lets his ego do the talking, the Phillies hold tryouts at a nursing home, and Michael Sam plays football.
10. While searching for the fountain of youth
9. Less Jeter, Mo’ Money … For Boston?
Derek Jeter announced that he’s done after the 2014 season. Barring injury, the all-time Yankees great will play his final game in Boston. Tickets for that final series with the Red Sox skyrocketed, as Jeter’s departure will make it more expensive for Boston fans to see their own team. Yet another reason for Boston to hate the Yankees.
8. Where’s mee gold?!
Everyone’s favorite redhead delivered a major letdown in the snowboarding halfpipe finals in Sochi. You can argue that the warm weather caused Shaun White’s uncharacteristic 4th place finish, but then Shani Davis went and finished 8th in an indoor speed skating event that he had won at the previous two Olympics. America is cursed. When does the hockey team hit the ice?
7. Kids, you can share
Tina Maze of Slovenia and Dominique Gisin of Switzerland tied for the gold medal in the women’s Alpine downhill event. Their shared time of 41.57 seconds made them the first joint gold medalists in the event’s history. Judges said they measured the times to the 10,000th place (4 spots after the decimal point), but the official rules cut times off at the hundredths place. If the United States had been involved, someone would have complained. Congrats ladies.
6. There’s mee gold!!!
Kaitlyn Farrington sizzled her way to women’s halfpipe gold, beating out three former Olympic champions in the process. She’s further proof that hotness rules these Sochi Olympics.
5. Sorry For Jabari
The Philadelphia 76ers became the second team in NBA history to lose back to back games by 40+ points after getting pasted, mauled, embarrassed, etc. by the Clippers and Warriors. Evan Turner summed up Philly’s futility best when he said: ”You just look up at the scoreboard and see a lot of points … We were down by like 10, and then the next thing you know it popped up to like 25 or 30.” As if 25 or 30 point deficits just happen out of thin air …
4. This is real life, not Walmart
Seattle Seahawks defensive end Michael Bennet said that he would not give the team a discount to bring back his services. This just in, people work for money, and when you do your job well, you get a raise. Never fear Seattle, Golden Tate is more than happy to give you 80% of the effort you deserve in return for 80% of the pay he deserves.
3. I play football and I like to have sex, because I’m a dude
If you haven’t heard, Michael Sam is gay. What you might not have heard is that the former Missouri Tigers standout doesn’t spend all his time trolling for delicious D. The man is a football player. Tom Brady doesn’t take time out of his day to remind you he’s straight. Everyone knows we’re all playing for that ring on our finger, regardless of our position.
2. Survival of the Orange-est
Well, I waited and waited and waited for the Pitt-Syracuse game to end so that I could report that the #1 team in the country had lost, and … that buzzer-beater three by Tyler Ennis was more than worth the wait. The ‘Cuse rolls on.
1. Bow down to your LeBron
LeBron James made a claim that he will be remembered as one of the four best basketball players of all-time. I have no problem with this claim. I agree with it and would be willing to argue for LeBron at the number two spot, so long as he wins both one more MVP and championship (yes, just one more of each will do). That said, I do have a problem with LeBron tooting his own horn. I’m all for a man being confident, but D-Wade looks awful, Ray Allen can’t shoot, and there’s this guy in Oklahoma City having a better season. LeBron needs to shut up and play. He’ll have plenty of time to brag and top Michael Jordan’s ownership skills when he retires, both of which appear poised to be cakewalks.